So not too long ago, Minna (the lovely people behind the Limon and Ola) decided to take the super-cool touch-responsive technology in their other toys and create the kGoal, a pelvic floor exerciser/trainer/kegelizer/whathaveyou with an app that leads you through a 5-minute vadgercise.
Not to toot my own twat, but I’m pretty happy with my vajay strength as-is. Even still though, curiosity got the better of me. I had to know what PSI my pussy was really throwing down. Without having really looked at the app or workout program closely beforehand, I assumed that it was a little bit like those boardwalk/carnival games where you squeeze that stupid handle as hard as you can.
I fucking love carnival games.
The… toy? tool? thing? Let’s go with thing. The thing looks like one of those little balloon stress balls I had when I was a kid (the ones with sand or cornstarch or some other weird shit in them), except it also has this little arm coming off it.
One thing I love about Minna is that their stuff comes charged enough to use. As soon as I got this I wanted to crack it open and give it a go.
I’m not really one to read directions. I like to figure things out, and I get annoyed if something isn’t intuitive enough for me to do that. Much like the Limon, I could basically figure out how to turn it on and use it, but I was missing something and eventually caved.
Pairing with the app wasn’t all that complicated (no, app, you canNOT send me notifications!). You turn on the bluetooth setting on your phone, make sure the kGoal is on, and then MAGIC. There are a few settings to play with, like whether or not you want the arm to vibrate (you probably don’t).
The complicated part was figuring out how to get this thing inside of me and get the show on the road. The first thing you want to do is press and hold this little button on the bottom, squeeze the kGoal’s squishy bits, then release the button while you’re still holding it. That deflates it.
While the base (tip? ugh the part that goes inside you first, ok??) is on the harder side (hard as in physically hard, not difficult), it really isn’t much wider than some dicks I have. However, nothing about this to me is inherently sexual. I didn’t have any real interest in being turned on or playing around with anything first. It was kind of like trying to put my DivaCup in for the first time.
Helloooooooo lube! I pulled out my favorite water-based gel lube, which predictably made things easier, until it was time to reach back down and push that stupid little button again, this time to reinflate the thing inside you resulting in a Cinderella-like fit. Like this:
Pro tip: if you try to grip a small round thing and press a button on the bottom of it, while it’s inside you, while your hand is covered in lube, you’re gonna have a bad time. Once that was out of the way though, we were in business.
The app asks you to choose a goal for how many times a week you are going to work out. I have never set such a goal in my life and I’m not about to start. I told it three to keep it happy.
There are two different workouts you can pick from. One of them invokes your cunt control, providing you with a series of shapes that it asks you to “trace” as closely as you can as they pass through the screen by squeezing and releasing according to the shape’s, well, shape. The other takes you through a series of short, long, variable pressure, and sustained squeezes.
Going through a workout felt a lot like vaginal pilates, and my thought process looked a little bit like this:
Am I doing it right?
Should I be engaging my core?
Am I kegeling or just squeezing my ass?
Is my vagina going to be sore tomorrow?
Do I make this face when I squeeze during sex?
Why is this so hard?
Kegelympics – good idea/bad idea?
I could be a gold medal kegelist!
Should my legs be up or down?
I wish I had a personal trainer.
Five minutes is a long fucking time.
And it really, really is. After a while it started to feel more like a video game than anything though, and I couldn’t help but hear Mario music and sound effects in the background as I did it. And then I couldn’t help but make a video of that exact thing. Because of course I couldn’t.
The video goes twice as fast as reality, but still gives you an idea of what the workout looks like.
It’s kind of neat. If you’re someone who is looking to work on your pelvic floor strength and up your kegel game, the kGoal is the coolest thing out there. If that’s not your thing, there aren’t really any other uses for it I can pitch at you. The vibrations are meant more as an indicator than anything super-pleasurable, although they don’t feel bad at all.
Overall it’s fun, it’s effective, and it’s a more active approach than I’m used to seeing.
At $149 from GoodVibes, the kGoal is great to upgrade whatever you’ve been kegelcizing with, or to head to kegel-town for the first time with the latest and greatest. Flex that ninja pussy and thank me later.