I’ve gotta be honest; I’ve been having a pretty rough go of it lately.
Personally, emotionally, logistically, motivationally… All of it.
It isn’t that I’m lacking motivation in the writing department. Quite the contrary. I’ve got at least a half-written post or two done from every day that I haven’t actually put anything up here. The problem is that they’re all half done. The problem is that I don’t know how to finish them.
As I’ll end up discussing at length over time, I’m bad at balance. I crave it like crazy, but I’m absolute shit at keeping it. I’m trying to keep this blog from being too… confessional. You all aren’t my therapist, I’m not paying you by the hour to smile and nod while I dwell over every mundane detail of my life. But mayyyyyyybe…
No. No. No maybe. That isn’t what this is for.
It’s tempting, god it is, but it’s not the direction I want this to go in. To that end, when I’ve needed to work something out, I usually try to write a post about the topic itself that needs the working. I can use vague terms and wax hypothetical without sounding overly whiny (I think. I hope. Fuck). That’s the balance I’ve been trying to keep here. I’m not sure how good of a job I’ve been doing, but whatevs.
Where it’s been getting tricky for me lately, is that I’ve been feeling MUCH more overwhelmed and freaked out. About all sorts of shit. But the more depressed/anxious/confused/whathaveyou I feel, the less adept I am at removing myself from the issue enough to be able to talk about it in a general way.
Hence all the half-posts.
Lately I’m just feeling like… if I could just have like 72 hours where the rest of the world is stopped but I’m not, I could catch up. That’s what I need to do. I need to catch up to the world, but the world isn’t fucking slowing down enough for me to do it. I have so many things I need to figure out and decide and do, but while I’m busy sitting here like a deer in fucking headlights the universe just keeps barreling on without me, and I fall further and further behind.
Honestly, I’m watching Doctor Who the other day, and in one of the transition scenes where the Tardis is careening through the time vortex it hit me out of nowhere that that’s how I feel. So many things are in flux. So many things are up in the air that I feel like no matter which way I turn I don’t have stable footing anywhere.
It’s maddening. But it’s also depressing and terrifying and makes me want to curl up in my mother’s bed like the adult that I am and cry.
I understand the irony of writing a post specifically about how I don’t want to write posts specifically about my feelings but here are my feelings anyway. I get it. But honestly I just needed to write something to get me out of my half-a-post funk.
I’m tired. And not physically. Physically is an easier tired to fix. Right now my brain just wants to take a big old nap and it can’t. Not yet.
Not until I’m back out of the time vortex.